Long story short: I had a really busy few days and decided to de-prioritize blogging for a while, but I’m back with a couple movie reviews (tonight and tomorrow) before I get to some music from the upcoming Siren Music Festival at Coney Island.
A personal note first, though: I submit to Nicole a nomination for a BOTO pick for worst shoe salesman ever – the guy at Finish Line who recommended these Nike Shox shoes because I told him I had low arches. He gave me a size 10 shoe along with “ThinFit” insoles, meant to be worn in dress shoes that you’ve outgrown but would still like to fit in (read: NOT RUNNING SHOES). What’s so wrong with that? Well, there’s a story that explains that. When I went out for my first run in these new shoes, after about two minutes of running, my feet were in excruciating pain that was making its way up all the joints of my left leg. I decided something was wrong and went back the next day to Finish Line, and talked to the manager. Turns out that my feet were actually 11’s, and I was informed about the insoles I previously mentioned. Rage, then the purchasing of New Balance shoes, followed.
Dante’s Peak is a hilariously bad movie, the reason I chose to watch it rather than the last hour or so of Das Boot, the review of which will come tomorrow. I wanted the review I came back with to be a light one, and what could be more light than a town-destroying volcano?
I’m not going to go into too much depth about the movie itself, and this won’t be a terribly long review. Here are some quick hits:
- Wow, they really tried to make Pierce Brosnan an American character. Wow, did it not work. At all.
- I love how the giant cloud of ash overtakes the entire town in mere seconds, save for the one street on which Pierce Brosnan’s truck is driving, natch.
- If you read this and then watch the movie, try not to imagine the red-bearded guy as Timothy Busfield. Go ahead, try not to. Now you can’t.
- Aw, the mayor still works at the coffee shop she owns in town. You’d think that between those two jobs, she could pay for one waitress.
- Speaking of the mayor, if her last name is Wando, she’s not blonde and blue-eyed, and she doesn’t live in the Pacific Northwest. At least if it was Watto, she’d be more qualified to run the coffee shop, provided it sold a few spare parts and gambled away a few child slaves.
- All hail Pierce Brosnan’s shirt, which has the power to withstand sulfuric acid better than a metal boat. All hail.
- Here’s to you, Grandma Ruth. Let’s go over how many different ways she fucked up: She suggested a swim in the acid lake, refused to leave her cabin-on-the-volcano, which prompted her idiot grandkids to drive up to try to save her, prompting their idiot mom and idiot Pierce Brosnan to drive up and save them, which led to them all going boating through the acid lake, where, when the acid ate the propeller of the boat they were taking across, she jumped into the acid to pull the boat to shore, then seemed surprised to find that the acid was, in fact, painful. After being carried halfway down the mountain, her last words were, “At least I got to die on the mountain,” completely ignoring that the mountain, in fact, murdered her. Here’s to you, so drink. Drink up. Drink up. Drink up.
- Props to Ethan for pointing out the worst-delivered and worst-written line in the movie. I can’t possibly relate how bad it was in text, so just watch the last ten minutes and find the line by the mousy-haired girl on the volcanology staff. It will probably jump out at you.
- There were a couple of what I like to call “foreshadowing hammers” here (meaning, times where the movie hits you in the face with a hammer labeled FORESHADOWING), but my favorite was when the squirrels were laying around dead, and the mayor of the fucking town, responsible for the well-being of the town says, “Must be some sort of squirrel epidemic,” then just moves on. Well, doucheclown, don’t you think it’s your job to alert some sort of person qualified to investigate “squirrel epidemics”?
- My favorite “oh my god, that’s actually blatantly false” quote comes from Mayor Wando and rounds out this review that wound up pretty long because I like bullet points: “A man who looks at a rock must have a lot on his mind.”
I Ate My DVD Collection 
Helena Thompson said
Lol @ the shoe salesman. What a douche.
I remember watching Dante’s Peak in like, 7th grade science class (?). I really don’t know for sure. All I know is that I thought it was awesome, which means it sucked.
Nicole Catá said
I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE DANTE’S PEAK (for all of the reasons you mentioned).